


We come together every time

by zaynscheekbones



Series: Wildest Moments [2]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 06:11:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7833394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaynscheekbones/pseuds/zaynscheekbones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They take a while to collide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We come together every time

It starts like this, in a playground sandpit with chubby hands and a sugar rush from lunch.

 

Seunghyun is 5 years old when they first meet. 5 years old with sticky fingers and incapable of looking anyone in the eye (something he’ll later turn into a quirky fact to talk about in variety shows). Jiyong, 4, couldn’t be more different. Skinny and bony and with so much energy he could probably run a half marathon before breakfast, if his tiny legs would allow it. He stands at the side of the sandpit, watching Jiyong play all by himself, in mild discomfort, wondering how anyone would _dare_ step a foot in that sand knowing that cats pee in it at night (according to his mum, at least).

 

But Jiyong’s frowning so hard that the lines in his forehead have formed valleys, and Seunghyun is starting to get anxious that he might bite his own tongue off if he tries any harder, so he lifts his little legs into the sandpit and squats down beside Jiyong. The smaller boy flashes Seunghyun a smile, who gets flustered and only manages to swallow in response.

 

The grains of sand run down in rivers as they sit side by side, trying to build a castle out of sand that wont stick and ants that accidentally crawl under their tiny hands. Dirt clogs under his finger nails, something he’d usually hate, until their mums come to drag them away.

 

After that they’re pretty much inseparable, spending every waking second together. To the point where their mums are worried that they spend _too much_ time together and their teachers start separating them in class. One lesson Seunghyun overhears his teachers joke that they must be soul mates, and (he doesn’t know why) avoids Jiyong for the rest of the day. But the next day they’re back to normal, stuck to each other like glue.

 

Years pass as summer goes into autumn and winter into spring, and Jiyong is right beside him all the way. It’s making dens in forests, snowballs down each other’s tops; catching frogs by the river and jumping into piles of dead leaves. His mum says that Jiyong is like his shadow, but Seunghyun thinks that’s stupid; he already has a shadow. Jiyong is much better than that.

 

Then the fairytale ends. Jiyong moves away (Seunghyun watches him leave with a heartache he wont understand until 10 years later), and it’s far away. He stands there, clutching his mum’s waist and watching the Kwon’s silver Hyundai disappear into the distance. He’s never felt so small. Their mums try and keep the friendship going for them, but the time Jiyong would have spent with Seunghyun is now devoted to idol training (and the word training begins to taste bitter in his mouth), so he retreats back into his shell and turns to carbs for comfort.

 

Gradually they drift apart, until one day Jiyong is just that kid he was once friends with. Which is fine.

 

 

 

 

 

It goes on like this, he’s 15 and uncomfortable with his body.

 

His mum still speaks to Mrs Kwon on the phone, still gives him updates on Jiyong’s training, still says to Seunghyun that he _must meet up with Jiyong, such a sweet boy._ But he doubts Jiyong would recognize him now at all. He may have grown two feet taller but he also feels about two feet wider. And he gets it, he gets it that people grow apart. He saw it with his parents, just like he felt it with him and Jiyong. He isn’t sure if he misses Jiyong, or misses the person he used to be when he was with Jiyong.

 

Then one day (and he’ll think this is a dream later), at the back of a bus with his music turned up to the max, (Notorious B.I.G blasting into his ears), he sees Jiyong.

 

He’s frozen in his seat.

 

Jiyong looks up as he gets on the bus and their eyes meet, and he could swear that his heart stops beating and the birds stop singing. Which is stupid, he knows that. But he’s changed, as his mum always tells him. And she isn’t talking about the weight. She’s talking about the apathy that haunts him all the time, the way he stays in his room all the time and is failing more classes than he can count on one hand.

 

She’s talking about the way he’s fallen apart a little bit. And here, in front of him, is a reminder of just how much he’s changed.

 

 

 

 

 

Jiyong is in the middle of moving back to Seoul, Seunghyun finds out. And he doesn’t mean for this to happen, but Jiyong slots right back into his life like he never left. At the same time, puberty hits him like a train. Hormones send him over the edge, into depression and darkness and eventually when he comes out of it he’s 40 pounds lighter with a jawline that could cut glass. So at least something good came out of it, he thinks (usually with his hand down the pants of a girl he just met and the other hand wrapped around her hair).

 

When Jiyong isn’t at school or training, he’s with Seunghyun. Listening to American rappers with a towel underneath the door so his mum can’t smell the smoke coming from his room and sharing headphones because Jiyong is too tight to buy a pair as good as Seunghyun’s, but still insists on being able to use them anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

Then one night, they’re in Seunghyun’s bed listening to Tupac with the covers pulled right over them, Jiyong whispers;

 

“ _I think I might be gay”_

And his voice shakes and his teeth gnaw at his fingernails furiously.

 

Seunghyun’s mind goes blank, and there are a million things he could say right now but none of them will come out. All he feels is fear, and he can’t work out why.

 

So he says nothing.

 

They drift apart again, after that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first time he actually has sex, he cries. Full body sobs that he has to stifle with a towel, sitting inside his locked bathroom on top of the toilet seat. She’s a pretty girl. Nice, talented.

 

But he felt nothing. Nothing but an emptiness that he hasn’t felt since he watched Jiyong’s family drive away years ago.

 

That same weekend Jiyong gets back in contact with him, asking him if he wants to give YG a go. He would never have even considered it, but Jiyong sounded desperate, and what’s another step if you’ve already hit rock bottom, he thinks. It doesn’t go that well, he’s sweating and stuttering and wondering _why the hell_ he thought he would fit in here, with people as thin and paper and a stronger work ethic than he can even begin to fathom.

 

 _God,_ is he tempted to leave it at that. Maybe it’s after his parents divorce, or maybe it’s just always been inherent in him, but Seunghyun is very good at calling it quits. Jiyong texts him to apologize profusely, but it’s the next text that gets him.

 

“Would’ve been great to do this with you :(“

 

He doesn’t call it quits, not this time. 

 

 

 

 

10 pounds and 4 weeks later and he’s in YG, being introduced to his new band members by Jiyong. His mum cries when he tells her, says she knew he’d get there some day (he tries not to be offended by that).

 

It’s even harder than he thought it was going to be, and he’s a little worse than he thought he was going to be, but that’s ok. It quickly becomes Jiyong and him, then the other three. Sometimes Youngbae joins them, but he doesn’t like drinking or smoking and if Seunghyun knew better he’d say Youngbae was almost jealous of him, with squints and side eyes and comments that would cut deeper were it not for Jiyong brushing them off.

 

It’s all going fine until Seungri makes a joke (it’s a little bit bitter) about Jiyong being in love with him, and Seunghyun can’t get it out of his head.

 

 

 

 

Everyone says he’s the best looking one in the group, and he never believed it until now. Until now when he gets a girlfriend like he’s buying vegetables. She’s gorgeous, objectively gorgeous, and smart and sweet and everything he’s always been told to look for in a girl. He doesn’t feel much, when he’s with her, but he thinks that that’s _ok,_ because being with her is right and good and at least it makes his mum happy (he hasn’t seen her happy often since his parent’s divorce).

 

Then Jiyong comes into their dorms one morning with a guy. He doesn’t say anything about it, but Seunghyun knows. He feels like he’s been punched in the gut.

 

Two days later he’s breaking it off with his girlfriend, saying he needs to focus on his career instead. He knows that’s not the case.

 

 

 

 

If he was more poetic, more sentimental, he would almost describe them as two asteroids stuck in each others orbit, circling each other their whole lives and never quite managing to get their timings right.

 

But he’s not that poetic. He’s childish and bitter and ends up lashing out at Jiyong one night over something stupid, something that should have just been brushed under the rug, but it ends in tears (his tears).

 

He has no right to feel this way, he knows that. But no matter how hard he tries, he can’t seem to bury the hurt that courses through his veins when he sees Jiyong with another guy, or the absolute feeling of _despair_ when he sees him disappear into his bedroom with him.

 

No one told him love would feel like this (because that’s what this is, he’s decided), and he _hates it._

 

 

 

 

 

It ends like this, he’s drunk and furious. He slurs his words as he tells Jiyong not to go home with Soohyuk, and there’s a lump in his throat as he tells him why. He remembers little from the night before (probably a good thing), except Jiyong’s lips smashing against his own (finally) and naked flesh pressed against his body (finally).

 

He’s woken up with his sheets in a tangle and Jiyong’s head on his chest. There’s a slew of texts from their friends saying _finally,_ and lamenting how dramatic it had to be. But Seunghyun thinks it’s only fitting.

 

 

 

 

Naming themselves after the event that started the whole universe had always felt a bit narcissistic and self serving, if you asked Seunghyun. On the other hand, if you asked Jiyong he would say it was only right, that they basically _did_ start the whole universe.

 

It takes a few years after their debut, but Seunghyun gradually gets it. He watches girls cry in front of them, watches journalists and critics wax lyrical about their songs, and he _gets it_ (something he feels he can rarely say about himself) _._

 

If he was poetic he would say meeting Jiyong was his own big bang.


End file.
